Monday, November 19, 2007
When will the sorrow end?
Josh and I have been married for three years today. He is an amazing man who has stood by me and consoled me in our darkest times. We've been trying to start a family for about 16 months now and have had four miscarriages in the process. We really don't know what is going on, nor do our doctors. We will have to do more tests and hope that something appears (or do we hope that nothing appears?). Gosh...it's so hard. No one can quite understand how it is to lose a child, let alone four, unless they've gone through it. It's heartbreaking to go through the reasoning in your head of why God chose not to allow these sweet spirits to come to earth. Is it because we're not ready or not good enough? I see people on t.v. all the time who neglect their kids, leave their kids for dead, do drugs, the list goes on....are they deserving on kids and not us? These thoughts play in my head through my darkest hours, and it is through hope and faith that I can dig my way back up to breathe. I know we go through trials and experiences in our lives for a reason, so I am going to start this blog as a support system for those who are experiencing the same pain. Hopefully we can find solace in one another's trials. I want to be there for others because I know how dark and discouraging miscarrying can be. No one quite knows what to say...so it becomes an unspoken secret. A person can't possibly get over the pain of miscarrying in a week, even a month. It is an ongoing trial to overcome. Sometimes, as with all things in life, people are there for a while (as with any death) and then slowly they start to forget. As mothers, I don't think we ever forget what it was like to feel that life inside of us, and have it ripped away. It is my hope that I can reach out to those through my own experiences. I want to start doing baskets. As dumb as that might sound, these baskets will have poems, songs on a cd to cry to, maybe books on how to overcome. I haven't thought of it all yet, but I want to do it. I want to do so much!